Prehistoric Pride and Prejudice
by Christini
Summary: Prehistoric Pride & Prejudice and other peculiar takes on the timeless classic. Does just what it says on the tin.
1. Prehistoric Pride & Prej

Prehistoric Pride & Prejudice and other peculiar takes on the timeless classic

**Short little bits of Pride and Prejudice lifted from the book, crushed in an orange juice factory, stuffed in the washing machine at 50º, put through a mangle, digested by my cat, run over by an HGV, cremated and stuck onto my computer.**

**They probably won't be lengthy bits of text, but I hope you enjoy the small offerings I have to give. **

_Prehistoric Pride and Prejudice (Based on chapter one)_

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a caveman in possession of a big cave must be in want of a mate...

"Be," said his mate to him, one day whilst they were sitting around the fire, "new man in cave up by field."

Be grunted in acknowledgment. This did not necessarily mean he wished for his mate to continue chatting aimlessly to him about the new man in the big cave, merely that he knew she would persist regardless.

"He have big cave, Be," She informed him, "he have no mate."

"And?" Be grunted again.

"You know I want find mate for daughters, Be," she scolded him, "you know I want find them man with big cave."

Her only response was yet another non-committal grunt.

"New man has big cave."

At this point Be finally chose to refrain from grunting and voiced his opinions.

"Which daughter you mate to man?"

"Ja look nicest."

"I think Li best."

"Li not best – Ja look better. Ma play better. Ly and Ki..."

"They silly girls, mate, I think Li best. She mate man with big cave."

"You bad to girls, Be. You mean,"

"You annoy Be, mate," Be moaned, "you quiet now,"

"You find mate for girls," she demanded

And thus, the fate of the daughters was sealed, little did they know it.

**Next time: Elizabeth Bennet, the militant suffragette...**


	2. Votes for Women Pride & Prej

**This little snippit probably sounds as though I was drunk when I wrote it. I wasn't. I promise. I was merely under the influence of fizzy drinks. It is a bit strange, I warn you.**

_Suffragette Pride and Prejudice (very loosely based on chapter 3)_

"Votes for women!" called Elizabeth Bennet, from the rather undignified position of being chained to the gate of the local prospective Tory MP, one Mr Fitzwilliam Darcy, who, as it happened, had just arrived in his brand new motor car. He mostly lived in nearer to town, and claimed expenses on his house there, costing the tax payer millions – but no one would realise this for another hundred years, but once they did they wouldn't let go of it.*

"No taxation without representation!" she called, boldly, and he turned to look at her

"Good heavens, women," he remarked, "I say, what are you doing stuck to my gate?"

"I am stuck here as all women are chained in society!" she cried, melodramatically, "and I shall remain here until I have the suffrage,"

"Well, I say," he replied, somewhat bemused by her antics, "You do realise, of course, that I could have you removed from there instantly, what?" he paused, "so, it is a tolerable proposal, but certainly not enough to tempt _me_,"

"I say, Mr Darcy," she called again, "If you don't start thinking about votes for women soon, I shall smash your windows in!"

"How delightful," he said, "Now, do unchain yourself from my gate,"

"I can't,"

"Why ever not?"

"Because I am chained to it,"

"Oh," Mr Darcy commented, upon the realisation of the problem having dawned on him, and began to walk away.

"I don't like you, Mr Darcy," she said, "you are ridiculous,"

"I don't like you either," he replied, whilst noting the fine qualities of her eyes.

"You are conceited and disagreeable," she retorted, "and shockingly rude. Once I am unchained from this gate I will throw bricks through your windows,"

At this, Mr Darcy walked away, leaving Elizabeth Bennet still chained to his gate, which served her right.

*This isn't technically historically correct.

**I told you it was weird. I warned you, didn't I?**

**Next time: Magical Pride and Prejudice**


	3. Magic Mirror Pride & Prej

**I'll be completely honest with you: I'm just being silly now, really. Sorry.**

_Pride and Prejudice with a magic mirror (based on the start of chapter 4)_

"I was ever so grateful when Mr Bingley asked me to dance for a second time," Jane Bennet said, happily, "I must admit, I did not expect it,"

"But you were the prettiest there, Jane, how could you do anything but expect such attention?"

"I was not," she replied.

"Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?" asked Elizabeth Bennet to the magic mirror that just happened to be on the wall.

"The fairest is your sister Jane,

The rest of you are very plain."

"I really hate how it has to make everything rhyme," Elizabeth grumbled, "but didn't I tell you so?"

**See? Now, wouldn't this conversation have been so much easier in the actual book if they had just had a magic mirror to sort it out?**

**Merry Christmas everyone!**


End file.
